why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
