We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
