Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
