I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
