i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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