yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
