I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
