did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
