Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize