I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
