How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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