I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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