Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
