Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
