How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
