Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
