I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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