i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
