At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
