i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
