i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She said her name was "party"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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