awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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