you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
