oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
