I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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