Just fell off a train. Bad.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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