Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
