Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
