Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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