I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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