so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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