you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
