I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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