I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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