If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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