I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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