wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
