I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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