Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Randomize
