shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize