There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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