when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
