Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
