just tell him i said nine months
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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