When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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