omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
