A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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