he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
