And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
