I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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