My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
