ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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