I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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