mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
