whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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