I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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