this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Boobs speak an international language.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
