He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
