the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
