my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
They have beer where we have blood.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
